The Screeching Scratching Irritants of Asuwangs

Everytime we wacwacs hear the sound of scratching specially at night, we fear for our lives dearly.  It is true, it is true we want to bite the hand and the neck and chest and tummy of the one making the scratch, scratch, screech, screech because it is not only irritating. We wacwacs (waqzys for short - hrmmph! they changed the name women to womyn, so why can't wacwac change our moniquer too?) hate it because we become extremely paranoid that some idiot out there is out to gut us with their butcher's knife.

I am particularly allergic to butcher's knives. It holds a power that is so, so menacing to me, not only in my waking nights (I'd like to sleep mostly during the day, if I can) but even in my dreams. How many times did I dream of that ugly thing slicing through my beautiful fashion model's fingers, my dearie tongue that I use to caress babies in the wombs to sleep until the forever after, my splendidly sculpted Venus' bod (that I spend too many hours doing asanas as in yoga you dumb dumb, aerobic exercise, dancing to sweat out the baby and not so young fats I indulged in) or any other part of my wonderful temple that I adore so much including my hair (don't touch it you sleazy slime ball!).

The screech, scratch sounds should be eliminated in this Universe. It cannot be that I am hearing so much of it often these days! On August 26, 2014, as stated in the short message I got in my mobile, they are going to make much awful screeching scratching little and big disturbing sounds in what they call the NOISE BARRAGE!  Oh my my!!! Stop!!!

A few nights ago, before receiving that damned message, I was in my flying mood so I did my fairy rounds and vagabonded in the air space once more. Boom! I was on top of a big house near the huge Pasig River (its so humongous if you see it from the air) and I could clearly hear the sound of fighting.

Female voice: YOU HAVE TO SILENCE THE ESZEEY!  YOU WILL BRING US ALL DOWN WITH YOU, YOU DUMB SHIT!!! LUKO LUKO, WHY DIDN'T OUR MOM AND DAD KILL YOU WHEN THEY SAW YOU WERE TIYANAK (BABY BORN NOT HUMAN).

the baby faced manboy under siege

Male voice: I AM DOING EVERYTHING THAT YOU ASK! STOP DIDDLING ME! WE ARE ALL VAMPIRES HERE!!!  WE ARE ALL STEALING THE PEOPLE'S BLOOD AND ALL DAMNED YOU ALL FOR BEING MY FAMILY!!!  IMAGININ MO YUN, TINANGGAL KO ANG SUPREME COURT!!! TINANGGAL KO ANG PODER NG SENADO!!! WALA NA SILA!!! AKO NA LANG AT MGA TROPA!!! ANO PA GUSTO NINYO!!!!!!???$%%

Female voice: PAKAWALAN MO NA YUNG SECRET YELLOW ERASERS! PUNYETA KA!!! MATAGAL NAMIN SINASABI SA IYO, PAG PINAGTAGAL MO PA SA MUNDO ANG MGA IYAN SASAKIT LANG ANG ULO MO LALO ULOL KA KASI, BALIW KA!!! ABNORMAL!!!

Male voice: EH SIRA ULO KA MAS PALA SIZ! KAPATID MO KO! SAAN BA GALING DUGO NIYO AT DUGO KO!

Female voice: GAGU!!! EWAN NAMIN KUNG SAAN KA PINULOT NI MOMMY!!! (Softly pleading tone) Mom, sorry, sumalangit ka na ngayon na haaaa!!!

Male voice: SIGE NA SIGE NA. PAKAKAWALAN KO NA ANG SECRET ERASER. BASTA YUNG NIKA ISAP SI BABALU NA KAMAGANAK NI EF GEE SA NATIONAL SEKYU CANCELLED AT SI PURI KAYO LAHAT ANG BAHALA MAGLINIS NG DADAANAN NOON MGA DIPUTA KAYO MGA BALIW KAYO. PARANG HINDI LANG KOKONTI ANG NAPAPAPATAY NATIN DAHIL SA KASAKIMAN AT KABALIWAN NG PAMILYA NATIN.

That's what I heard. Then a few meters away this:

Soft Male voice: Sir Man Boy is mad.

Soft Female voice: Mga Tiger ma'ams ay mad din.

Soft Male voice: May rally na naman kasi.

Soft Female voice: Aw?

Soft Male voice: Oo at ang mga HAYUP ay gagawa pa ng NOISE BARRAGE daw sa 26.

(They knew what I didn't know, yet)

Soft Female voice: Wow galing ooops! Nakupo! May nakikinig ba?

Soft Male voice: Wala, wag ka ganyan, baka marinig ka ng mga boss natin na baliw.

Soft Female voice: At ubod ng magnanakaw. Ano kaya?

Soft Male voice: Anong ano?

Soft Female voice: Eh takot sa ingay yan sila Sir at mga ma'ams at mga asawa.

Soft Male voice: O eh ano ngayon.

Soft Female voice: Magpaputok tayo doon sa Otis?

Soft Male voice: Sira ulo ka ba?

Soft Female voice: Para di nila marinig NOISE BARRAGE.

Soft Male voice: Gago!

Soft Female voice: At least pag may tunog ng bumabaril mahimbing tulog nila, eh di walang istorbo.

Oh my G! What kind of people are these?

I've lost my appetite tonight. What the heck was that all about? What kasakiman? Why are they more afraid of screeching, scratching than asuwangs? Oy, I always thought only wacwacs can be paranoid. But sadly, I'm in really very bad company here!!! Yiiikes!!!

Tonight is so depressing frustrating, I'm sick to my inner tummy. No mamam too.

I guess it's hard to be asuwang, ooops waqzy baby... specially if you're facing stiff competition from weird frenzied blood suckers!!! till next time, tata!

my competition. how bastos look.

In the dead of night

Sir Butcy Buut, photo from Inquirer.net

Sir Frank, looking respectably toady in black graduation gown - photo from dipolognon.com

Sir Prezyzezzy Noy - photo from 2010presidentiables.wordpress.com

he appears to be secretly exchanging inspirational, spiritual quotes with the lady behind

While doing my little fairy rounds (excuse me, my new sobriquet for my nocturnal wacwac flights is this one now), I decided to drop by the detention cell of Ms. Janet alias Jenny, alias Jen, Jing Napoles.

It appeared that she was asleep, as she was mildly snoring. I let out my snaky little particle (I won't admit that it's my implement for tasting, uhmm you know, its embarrassing) and felt her neck. She shuddered a little and looked like she felt tickled.

Next my particle touched her neck part to feel for a pulse, well, the beat was slow, so she's in some sort of deep sleep. Then I started because she started singing. She sang and sang until I was afraid it will be very much in the wee hours and morning will catch me in my state. Now that is unacceptable so I fled from the scene of the crime.

I vividly remember her song, it was Philippine National Anthem-like, a fairly marchy song, I'm sure of it. Of course, she didn't begin with Bayang Magiliw like in grade school but she kept repeating the names Sir Franklin Dri--, Sir Butchy Butchy Aba--, Ma'am AbbaAbby Valt--, and Sir Prezy Zezzyzzy No--, kahit anong mangyari nasa akin side kayo...

Then she goes, di ba Sir Franky binigyan kita ng maraming pera? O ikaw Sir Butchy Buut, I gave you din di ba? Ikaw Sir Prezy Zezzy, magkano binigay ko? O, ipapatawag niyo pa ba ako? Sa manlulupig di ka pasisiil di ba?

Magunaw man ang mundo, mangamoy man ang buong langit, wala naman nabokya sa inyo, I don't need to say anything di ba? Or mag read ng statement or tula sa shetnado? Kung hindi aba, ba, ba, talaga kayo ang will be blamed in the end, nakulong pa kayo with me here sa jail.

Oy kung wala kami nina Zaldy C-- na taga Bikol, sila --- iola (unintelligible), saan naman kayo pupulutin? Paano niyo la la lay lay lalaruin ang mga pera ng gobierno? Hala! Laruin niyo ang dibdib kong buhay!

And the song got a little sexy for my taste so I noticed it was getting time to go home like. That was when I made my surreptitious exit passing by the guards dozing off like babies, munching on imagined crispy fried pork rinds (chicharon dumb dumb). What does she mean she's going to get Sir Frank, Sir Butchy Buut, and Sir Prezy Zezzy next to her in jail? That was quite a dilemma for me, but then you will know, intelligent people you are.

I'm just a wacwac anyway, get guessing, I'm off to my hearty breakfast of raw male baby liver and some female baby pancreas - better than stem cell therapy, mind you. Then my fashion beauty sleep. That coz I'm still flying to the family mansions of Sir Frank, Sir Butchy Buut and the house of bachelor Sir Prezyzezzy all in one flight next time. Hohummm..... See ya guys! Watch out for my beautiful suave lengua viscosa larga. Google that, dumb dumb.

Taste this dinuguan pork:

P27 Billion PDAF in 2014 budget

Parang Gusto Kong Si Erap Kainin... (excuse me hihihi! :) )

Nakita ko itong balita. Mukhang nagalit si dating Pangulo Joseph Estrada.

Losing his cool: Estrada's warped sense of justice
March 25, 2008 02:27:00
Philippine Daily Inquirer

DEPOSED President Joseph Estrada lost his cool when a news reporter from the Agence France Presse asked him a fair question: How can he lead the fight against corruption by the Arroyo administration when he himself was convicted of plunder? ("Reporter's question peeves Erap," Inquirer, 3/15/08)

Enraged, Estrada accused the reporter of being a "pakawala" of the administration. Erap fought back, claiming his conviction by the court was already written off by public surveys which showed he was more popular than Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

If popularity is the basis for public acceptance, did Erap stop to wonder how GMA, who holds the record for being the most unpopular and least trusted president, continues in office?

Erap has rewritten the judicial processes. By Erap's moral standards, conviction of a criminal by a court of law can be offset by popularity. By his standards, it is popularity surveys that determine the innocence or guilt of a suspected criminal and not the court of law.

In Erap's warped sense of justice, therefore, the popularity of "hero" Jun Lozada extinguishes the illegal activities he allegedly committed in the Philippine Forest Corp. when he was its president. Just as well, the popularity of Osama Bin Laden in the Middle East nullifies the criminal activities attributed to him in America.

Only the demented or mentally challenged would put up with this hypocritical moronic reasoning. And to think Erap is the spiritual leader of the opposition.

Small wonder the opposition cannot gather enough support from the people despite the huge unpopularity of GMA. If not for them, it would have been very easy to bring down a very unpopular president who leads a conceivably corrupt administration. --CESAR M. DE LOS REYES, via e-mail

[ Copyright 2008 INQUIRER.net and content partners. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. ]

Daldal ng daldal kasi itong dating pangulo laban daw sa corruption sa gobyerno, eh siya naman itong nangunguna sa pangko-corrupt. Noong panahon niya sa Malacañang madalas akong lumipad lipad doon. Lampas na ng hatinggabi, may kainuman pa si Pangulo Erap! Sumaryopaze!!! Tapos, sa labas, may darating maraming kotse, laman puro mga maliliit na intsik pero malalaki ang dalang bagahe. Lalapit ako at di magpapakita. (Imbisibol ako kung ayaw kong makita.) Aamuyin ko ang mga bagahe ng intsik, susmaryopaze! amoy pera! Tapos sasamahan ko ang mga intsik - parang tanga ang mga guwardiya, antok na antok na biglang magigising ang mag te-tenk yu pu! tenk yu pu! Yun pala inabutan ng bandel ng salapi ng mga intsik at tuloy tuloy sila sa itaas ng Malacañang. Kitang kita ng dalawang mga imbisibol kong mga mata kung paano pipirmahan ni Pangulo Erap ang mga papel na dala dala ng mga intsik. At aabutin ni Pangulo ang mga maleta at inspek, inspek sa bawa't isa. Tama ako! Puro pera nga ang laman!

Susmaryopaze! Ano kaya ang tinda ni Pangulo Erap noong panahon na iyon at panay panay ang bili ng mga intsik sa kanya, mahal pa!

Minsan naman, napadpad ako sa kakalipad ko dun sa kinalalagyan ng isang puting barko na may pangalan RPS ANG PANGULO. Ganun pa rin sa dati. Tindero pa rin si Kumpareng Erap. Tanggap pa rin ng tanggap ng bayad ng bayad na mga intsik. Mabili ang tinda tsk, tsk! Sana may tindahan akong ganun! Araw araw, laki ng benta!!! At lampas ng hatinggabi ang bentahan! Wow!!!

Mas mayor and intsik na ganito ang gawain kay Kumpareng Erap sa loob ng tatlong taong palipad lipad ako sa bahay ni Erap, sa RPS ANG PANGULO at Malacañan. Kung may Pilipino akong nakita doon, mga Lopez lang ang tanging namukhaan ko at may-ari ng mga establisemento sa Cubao. Wala akong nakitang mahirap doon kundi isa lang, ang apo ni Sultan Jamalul Kiram, si Rodin. Isang beses, nagsuntukan pa kamo sila Kumpareng Erap at ang nasirang idol ko, FPJ dahil pilit na pinaiinom pa ng marami ni Kumpare Erap natin si Datu Rodin ng alak eh alam naman niyang bawal ang alak sa mga Moros di ba?

Nung sinabi ni FPJ, gago ka pala pare! Nagalit si Erap! Naku, isang pangulo ng Pilipinas at isang Hari ng Pelikulang Pilipino nag umbagan, walang maka-awat! Itong puyat na puyat ng Cabinet Secretary na mukhang bakla, nagsisigaw! Nagising yata ang iba pang tauhan ni Erap at tinawagan si Doctora Loy. Tanging si Doctora lang ang nakaawat sa dalawa, pero pasang pasa mukha ng aking idol, FPJ! Hindi naman siya pahuhuli, putok ang labi at mata ni pangulo! Susmaryopaze!

Tuloy, sa diyariyo, sabi nagpa duktor daw si pangulo Erap...

Ito hindi tsismis: si Kumpareng Erap at mga bisita niya, may hindi pa magandang gawain sa palasyo, mula sa upisina, sa Arlegui, at sa barko niya. Palagi silang mga bastos, sex ng sex, sex ng sex, orgy ng orgy. Masyado! Talagang mga ma-El ang mga tao na ito! Si nasirang FPJ mukhang atras pag may orgy, bakit kaya? Laging nagpapaalam, uuwi. Nakakahiyang magtanong, kasi imbisibol ako.

Pero buti na lang natuto ang mag bluggh. Sa wakas naihihinga ko na ang saloobin ko! Pero parang gusto kong tadtarin si Kumpare natin at iluto... ay! excuse me. Kumakain ka ba?